


Bucket List

by Livelovelupin



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Love Confessions, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:02:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24721276
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Livelovelupin/pseuds/Livelovelupin
Summary: Sirius realized where the conversation was headed, and his heart broke a little. He let out a breath before grinning at Remus, hoping to defuse the tension. “What? That you had to settle down for me because no one was as perfect as you, Rem?”
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 8
Kudos: 117





	Bucket List

“That’s what people would think when they see us, if we ever, you know…” Remus said but didn’t elaborate, confusing Sirius.

Remus said nothing as he continued working on a transfiguration essay Sirius will most likely finish 30 minutes before its due date, because he was Sirius, and because the remembering-it-two-hours-before-it-was-due method never failed his thus far. Why fix what was not only not broken, but also worked brilliantly?

But, Remus was working on an essay that wasn’t due for another three weeks, and he didn’t elaborate. 

Sirius thought about what he had said earlier, about Lily and Snape, and how James was ten times better than Snape, but also not good enough for Lily, because Lily was perfect and James was… not quite. But then again, Sirius had said that there was probably no one as perfect as her, so, if she ever wanted to settle with someone, she inevitably would have to settle for less, and better James than Snape any day. 

Sirius realized where the conversation was headed, and his heart broke a little. He let out a breath before grinning at Remus, hoping to defuse the tension. “What? That you had to settle down for me because no one was as perfect as you, Rem?” 

Remus actually scoffed, looking up from his essay, looking fucking angelic. Remus was sitting in front of a fire he charmed earlier to keep himself and Sirius warm on the top of the Astronomy Tower, which just happened to be the best place for the both of them to write essays and do homework and make out. It was also, subsequently, Sirius’ favorite place in Hogwarts, maybe even in the world, but he’s yet to decide on the world thing, because Sirius thought that he’d love Paris, except he’s never been. He will though, it was on his bucket list. 

(Because of course Sirius Black had a bucket list, which included things like _‘visit Paris’_ , unchecked. _‘Ask moony out’_ , unchecked (kind of?). _‘Tell moony that you love him’_ , half-checked (more on that later). _‘Become an animagus’,_ checked. _‘Punch mother on the nose’,_ unchecked, with regret. _‘Help Regulus’_ , he’s working on it. _‘Advocate for werewolf right_ ’, unchecked (yet). _‘Become auror partners with James’,_ unchecked. ‘ _Punch father on the nose’_ , checked, strangely. Sirius mentally added _‘make moony feel worthy and beautiful’_ to the list, and it was, as of yet, unchecked.)

Remus looked angelic, out-worldly, gorgeous. Remus was smart and hard-working and kind and funny. Remus grounded Sirius, made him feel anchored. Remus was dorky and awkward and did things that made Sirius (lovingly) cringe. Remus was everything Sirius had ever wished for but never dreamed of having, because no way, in all the parallel universes out there, that someone like that existed, much less could love Sirius. Remus proved his wrong, however (he hoped), and Sirius hurt with how much he loved Remus. 

How could he explain that?

How could you tell someone that they had single-handedly turned your life upside down, made it better, took you and didn’t change the pieces and parts you were made from, but instead rearranged them, glued them back together the way they were once upon a different time, and ended up with something, not different, something very much the same, but somehow better, so much better…?

How could Sirius tell Remus that there wasn’t a single thing Sirius had wanted since the first time they kissed? Because Remus was all that Sirius could wish for but never dream of having. Never dare think it was real, could be real. Remus made Sirius happy. Remus sometimes made Sirius sad. Remus was a half-blood, male, scarred werewolf and Sirius would have it no other fucking way. 

How could he say that?

Remus kept staring at Sirius, smiling sadly, and Sirius wanted to scream. Sirius knew that he couldn’t say any of that but he would be damned if he didn’t at least try. He’d cross oceans and fight eight feet tall trolls and dragons for Remus. He was willing to try to articulate how he was feeling, even if he had never done it before, even if he wasn’t used to even acknowledging his emotions himself. Even if it made him the biggest fool there was, he’d be a fool for Remus any day of the fucking week. 

“Don’t do that,” Sirius said and sat closer to Remus, because a) he wanted to comfort Remus, and comfort came with gentle touches and gentler kisses, and b) he just wanted to be closer to Remus. Sirius’ hand rested on Remus’ knee, and they were sitting shoulder to shoulder. Remus rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder, and Sirius felt complete, somehow. Remus let out a breath and his whole body relaxed into Sirius’, essay forgotten on the floor next to him. 

“What do you mean? Stop what?” Remus asked, his voice muffled by Sirius’ shirt. 

“I mean, stop. I know what you’re thinking right now, and I want you to stop, cut the train of thought, and promise me not to fill your head with stupid fucking thoughts again, Rem.”

Sirius felt Remus stiffen a little, as if uncomfortable, as if the exact opposite of Sirius’ desired effect. Sirius bit his lip, and shifted away from Remus, to look him in the eye, and he did. Remus looked, well, angelic, of course, but tired? Worn-out? A little disbelieving and a lot sad.

Sirius held Remus’ hands and cursed himself for not being better with words. Remus was smiling sadly at Sirius, and Sirius wanted to scream, again. Throw something, maybe. Instead, he closed his eyes, mentally and slowly counted to ten, and opened his eyes again, to face a shut-eyed Remus, with his eyelashes touching his cheeks. He looked… peaceful? Content? Out-of-this-world-not-fair-to-the-rest-of-the-population-of-the-world breathtaking? Sirius pulled Remus’ hand closer and kissed each knuckle, slowly, gently, lovingly, in what he hoped was a comforting way. Remus smiled more fully, less sad then, making a dimple appear on his cheek and Sirius’ heart skip a beat. It was now or never, right? He has to rip that band-aid, put salt on the wound, alcohol on the cut, or whatever. 

Sirius wasn’t good with words, he couldn’t express his emotions to save his life, but he whispered “I love you.” to Remus all the same, because even though it scared the living shit out of him, Sirius Black was not a coward. Sirius Black also couldn’t remember ever saying something and meaning it so damn much. 

Sirius loved Remus, and maybe he said it for the first time on top of the Astronomy Tower on a dreary winter day at midnight, but truth was, Sirius had been saying it for a while; every time he helped Remus with potions and held him after every full moon and bought him chocolate and read his favorite books so he could reference them casually in conversations and quote them randomly so he could see Remus’ eyes light up. When he had an argument with their DADA teacher so heated about werewolves he got a month’s detention. When he became an animagus and learned how to bake Remus’ favorite brownies and held him when he couldn’t sleep. Truth was, Sirius had been saying ‘I love you’ to Remus since he first saw him, and now, finally, he had said it out loud, and he felt more alive, lighter somehow. 

He looked at Remus who was looking at him, eyes vulnerable, wide, grateful? Angelic, also, Sirius automatically thought. Remus was looking at Sirius with such intensity, he could feel himself falling apart, falling back into place, his bones cracking and scars being erased, glossed over, not mattering, not having value, not there, not anymore, because Sirius’ scars were deep down beneath flesh and bone, and somehow, Remus knew that, and one look made them go away, disappear as if they were never there to begin with. 

Sirius took a breath, and Remus was smiling still, but he closed his eyes. 

“I love you, too. Obviously, y’know…” Remus trailed off, scrunching up his nose, as if cringing, but still smiling, still closing his eyes, still happy. 

Admitting it was hard, saying it for the first time felt impossible, but after that, words just started falling out of Sirius, and he couldn’t stop.

“I love you, Remus. I love you, I love you, I love you. I love you and your hair and your eyes and your eyelashes and your brain and your voice and your mouth. I love that you are a werewolf, I love your scars and eyes, and weirdly cute ears,” Sirius said, aware that he said he loved Remus’ eyes twice, but he didn’t care. He breathed heavily, and Remus chuckled, and he wanted to say something, but Sirius didn’t give him a chance. He continued. “I love that you are tall, and I love everything, Remus, all of it. I didn’t ‘settle for less’. Remus, you are…, you’re gorgeous and smart and snarky and phenomenal and breathtaking and gorgeous, uh, again. I look at you and I see spring, and a war that we won, and I know what it feels like to be so in love you feel that it could kill you or set you on fire or… I don’t know what to do with it, most times. You mean so much to me, and--”

That time around, Sirius was the one interrupted, with a kiss so powerful in knocked the air out of his lungs. They kissed twice before, and both times, it was hesitant, testing boundaries and ‘maybe we could still be friends!’. But this kiss was different. Remus’ hands were in Sirius’ hair and Sirius’ hands were on Remus’ hips, to hold on to something, not to drift away. They were kissing like it was the last thing they would do alive, and they wouldn’t rather be doing anything else, Sirius felt… undefeatable, maybe? 

They broke apart, and Remus rested his forehead on Sirius’, eyes shut. Remus looked gorgeous, angelic, light, thoroughly kissed, happy, and he started laughing, the kind of laugh that was special to inside jokes that aren’t that funny anyway, and stupid things that shouldn’t be funny but you can’t help but laugh. The kind of laughter that knew its ridiculousness and the laughter that was sincere and, apparently, infectious, because Sirius was full-on laughing, too. 

“Oh my god,” gasped Remus, after he caught his breath, and he snorted, and started laughing all over again. He calmed down, and he was smiling, smiling, smiling. “I don’t think I have ever heard such a long run-on sentence. And the adjectives, too! How many did you say, do you think? More than 20, for sure.”

Sirius’ face was burning, though he was smiling because he couldn’t help himself. “Remus, you bitch! I was--I, eh, I--”

“I know, love. I know. I love you, too. And I think you’re gorgeous and breathtaking, and what was the other one? Yes. Phe--”

Sirius cut him off, putting a hand over his mouth. Remus smiled, and the skin around his eyes wrinkled, and he was angelic. Sirius was glad he didn’t include angelic in his rant. He would’ve never heard the end of that. He let his hands fall. 

“From what you were describing, feels like I’m settling for less while being with you…”

“You are, Remus.”

Remus shook his head, frowning. “Never, Sirius. No. Never, ever, never.” 

Remus grinned, and Sirius grinned, and traced a 'yes' checkmark in the air with his finger. 

“What’s that?” Remus asked, as he nestled his head in the crook of Sirius' neck, which tickled a bit, and Sirius could feel Remus’ breath on his fanning over his neck. 

He could get used to this. 

“Nothing,” Sirius said, answering Remus’ question. “I was just checking something off something…”

“So elaborate.”

“As always, moons.”

“So, my face is spring and what, again?”

“Shut up! Won’t you just let it go?”

“Never, Sirius. Thank you… just, thanks.”

Sirius smiled, and he hugged Remus, tight. “Always, moons. Always.”

**Author's Note:**

> I just love lovestruck Sirius. ❤


End file.
